ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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