i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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