Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
