i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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