Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
