There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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