I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
