You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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