This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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