I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
