she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
