Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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