You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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