I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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