boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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