you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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