You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
