wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
