What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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