Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
