have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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