You smell like a Billy Joel song
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
