what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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