she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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