i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
