Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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