she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
