Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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