That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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