he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
