Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
