there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
