she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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