i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
