There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
