How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
