Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
