my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Randomize
