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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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