I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
