he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
