i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
