i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
