the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
