It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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