i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
