Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
