Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
