I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
barbara walters just said penis...
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
