I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
