if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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