Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
