Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
