My liver just broke up with me...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize