i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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