Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
