dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
